Catch Me When I Fall
by Julie Tulips
Summary: A diary entry written by a reptilian nerd. Judge however you like.


Dear Diary,

Okay, so I'm not that great at writing, but this is an important one, because it's something I don't understand. Which means I need to figure it out, even if it's not really prettily written. Mettaton's much better at writing anyway.

I realized, a while ago, that everyone seemed to be walking to their own abyss. But they were all different. They were strong, resilient, powerful – all the things I'll never be. And when life slammed them headfirst into a puddle, they got right back up and smiled and triumphantly fist-pumped. Maybe I'm thinking a bit too literally of her, but, well, it's still true, and it's true for lots of us.

Like, Sans. If you talk to Sans, you start out thinking he's kind of cool, pretty popular, and you get a little jealous. Then you talk some more, maybe work on a few projects, eat some donuts at Grillby's and then suddenly you realize he's kind of clever, too, and he knows what he's doing. Then you give him one of those things you consider basic but everyone else stares at you for and then never talks to you again, like the Schrodinger equation, and instead of calling you a loser nerd, he can talk about it. A month passes, and you realize he knows it better than you do but is too lazy to explain, and then after that, behind his every word you feel this… inexplicable, endless sadness. You don't really see why he's so sad, either. He loves his brother, and his brother loves himself, and it works out kind of nicely, but… I saw it once, for real. I came over to bring his book back, and kind of just went in without knocking and he was just… in bed, laying there. I put the book down and asked if he was sick, and he looked up and… the pits of his skull were dark. Vacant. Like there was nothing there at all. For a moment he seemed to search my freaking soul, and then he rasped out, "kill me, Alphys." Before I could think of something to say Papyrus shoved me out of the way – not in a MEAN way, Papyrus is never mean, he's Papyrus! But – he moved me, holding a huge plate of spaghetti in his other hand, and told me to go home.

So I ran.

But the thing is, diary, the next day, he was back at his post like nothing happened, cracking awful jokes and slacking off. He made it look so easy that I almost thought I'd dreamed the whole thing. I do a lot of daydreaming.

Then, there's Undyne. Well, I mean – everyone knows her story. The whole fighting her way through the Guard with nothing but sweat and blood. SHE would never give up, or be cowardly, or pathetic. Not even if she was… like me. She'd just grin, and shove a spear through all those letters, and then go beat someone up for the fun of it. She's…. really cool. I've only talked to her twice, but… those two times, I can remember every single thing she said. She called me 'Alphys' four times, 'doctor' three times (and then laughed at me when I blushed, I can't help it!), and….. Alphy. Once. But it was the best thing ever. I kept replaying it in my head. It must've been an accident, for her. But … I feel so lucky. Even if it was an accident. Because she still said it.

Asgore's the one I can never understand. He lost his son, then his daughter, then his wife (who was really hot, by the way), and yet he's this…. Immovable wall of rock, and at the same time he's soft and gentle to the point where it hurts because he shouldn't be so nice to me. But that's Asgore. He's nice to everyone. And I don't get how he can be, because when life screws ME up I just curl up in my lab – not that one, the other one – and cry.

Mettaton's just… well…. Mettaton. There's never been anything strong enough to stop him.

So why can't I be like them?

Why am I such a screw-up, instead? Why am I worthless, spineless, cowardly? Why can't I do anything right?

Last night, I gave up. I walked to the abyss. I didn't say goodbye to anyone because no one would care. It's my own fault that I'm such a miserable failure. Not anyone else's. I stood at the abyss. That's the second time in a month. The first was when I first met her, but back then, it wasn't as bad, I guess. Asgore had called me five times and I'd actually picked up once, and it hurt so damn much and I… I just COULDN'T. I couldn't. I didn't want to ever do anything again.

And yesterday, I actually jumped. For a moment, the air was empty under my feet. It felt… I was really, really scared. But also kind of…. Relieved. It was all out of my hands then, and it was all over.

Then she grabbed my hand, and pulled me up, and then we were both sitting in the water, dripping wet.

And then she turned to me, her eye looking right at me, and said, "It's too cold to go swimming, Alphy."

Though, I don't think that's what she meant at all. I'm not sure what she meant. The hopeful part of me wants to think it meant she wanted to protect me. The other part wants to think she's just a hero and would've saved anyone no matter how worthless or garbage they are. I don't know.

I have to go, now. Mettaton's whining about his recharge, again. I wish I could tell him this stuff. But he'd not the kind of person to care unless it's about his body. I wish I had a friend.

Maybe…. Maybe Undyne could be my friend. Someday.

I'd like that.

 _Dedicated to C.P.O. My life hasn't been perfect the last few months. It's been hard. But even through trials of your own, you have always been there for me. And if ever I feel like contemplating the abyss, your hand keeps me from falling. You are the Sam to my Frodo, and the Undyne to my Alphys. Minus the smooches. Thank you for being the best friend a human being could ever ask for, even if half the time I'm not that great at returning it._

 _Sincerely,_

 _D.I. (also known as Julie Tulips)_


End file.
